the beasts within
cowards that sin
my body radiating a
light so dim
ever so slowly.
the beasts within
cowards that sin
my body radiating a
light so dim
ever so slowly.
I can’t seem to find a path to you, I run every single step wondering and hoping and breathing with every bit of hope left in the air. I can’t speak, my soul is gated, my heart is painted, and my eyes cannot see. And then my legs shake of exhaustion and worry and grief, my voice quivers ever so faintly, and my heart sinks beneath my feet. And just as my hands were about to dig themselves into the soil, a jolt of lightning strikes at the very center of my soul. You lit my heart with an everlasting burn, and you drenched my soul with your pouring rain.
I found you.
The festivities continued. I find myself lurking in the nooks and crannies of the recently constructed temporary bazaars, covered in vibrant layers of cloth, translucent enough for the painful bright light to pass through and tint the floors with various hues.
The smell of sweet paan curls into my nostrils, I feel the warmth of the steam let off by a huge utensil, into which a thick layer of condensed milk and chai leaves are stirred vigorously by a bony old man, with skin like tissues.
There’s a vendor, exhausted from attempting to hypnotize his foreign customers with wooden toys he bought off a young boy on the street. ‘Specially carved by the greatest of our sculptors in Rajasthan’ he says.
Truth is, they were made in a Chinese factory.
I walk towards the food counter, and all I see is a menu full of bland sandwiches and ‘Lays’.
I walk further away from the stall and find myself going towards the Lucky Draw counter.
‘Ah medam! You’ve won a beautiful doll!’
It’s a blonde, blue eyed, pink dressed barbie with ‘Amy’ written on it.
Disgusted, I give the gift to the young girl standing eagerly in the corner, in her only brightly coloured purple dress, the fire in her eyes when she grabs the doll does not comfort me.
A women shrieks ‘it’s the perfect gift for her, So modern!’
It’s some wonky strappy dress made of the worst material I’ve ever seen.
I walk further away from this fare, or bazaar, or whatever you’d like to call it.
I walk up to the beaming, gloating fat man standing at the entrance of the bazaar with gold rings on his fingers and a stupid foreign flag pin on his silk buttoned shirt.
‘They’ve done it again haven’t they. Stripped off all our cultural pride.
So you see at times, there’s a huge row of butterflies swarming around you, infiltrating your vision with bright hues of vivid splashes of colours that contrast your shade of daily monotone.
And I wish I could drown in the wings of those butterflies
So bright so full of life, soaring to the skies
Okay Im out.
Here I am
the small things that have clouded my head with
anger and frustration and
unnecessary panic and lack of
There you are
amidst the chaos and unbearable
struggle. Unable to breathe you can hardly achieve
anything. Too many
And yet your heart finds joy in simply seeing me content and
being able to pray and believe and
loving your life so passionately
your face glowing so brightly
cannot believe how
ungrateful I’ve been.
underlying uncertainty of
how my relationship with you should be
don’t know whether your affection is truly for me if
it’s a matter of popularity
don’t make me a pawn in your struggle because
I chose to love truly.
I walked further and further away from my reality, searching for escape amidst my lost location. Mentally frantic and anxious, physically resisting the urge to run and shout, simply unable to find the missing puzzles of my soul. And I found the edge, the edge of infinite wonder. I stood at that edge and all I could see beyond me was a million shades of blue. A blend of the salty Kochi sea into the evening Indian sky. Unable to be more conscious of my surroundings, I slumped onto the ground and let my feet dangle at the edge of the boulder. My kimono drenched in saltwater and my jeans stuffed with sand while I could feel parts of my face and body being stung by the drying saltwater that I had jumped into. I tried to look beyond the sea and beyond every edge of the sea that waved in front of me. I could find nothing. I became restless and I kept looking but there was no edge. There was only the edge of the boulder, into an infinite pool of depth and danger. And I released my breath, my heart throbbing slowly as if I reached a climax and as if I fell on the ground I was pushed towards. I found a few curious faces appearing by my side to figure out why I was so overcome with emotions that my face was drenched with tears. It wasn’t the tears that would make the back of your head throb with pain and your nose clog with red veins clawing towards your pupil. It was tears of exhaustion after discovery. Tears of an end I long waited to discover. An end that explained the chaos of my mind, the restlessness of my brain and the dissatisfaction of my soul. An end quite contradictory to its purpose. An end only to lead me to a million new pathways. My hands pushed themselves on the rock and I got up, my feet leading me back towards where I ran away from. Striding to my reality with a light heart and a replenished soul.
With her forearm she gently pushed away the pile of clutter on her desk and placed another intricately carved pencil case. Plucking a tissue from the box of her Premier special face tissues she rubbed her case and blew through the carvings, ensuring that each nook and cranny was rubbed to perfection. She then pulled out a random selection of pencils from her glittery pencil stand and released them in the circular carved wooden platform. It was midnight, she ran her fingers through her long deep brown hair, gathering the strands towards the back of her head and tightened it together with a black band. She then walked towards her long mirrored cupboard, and found her hands fumbling through the cupboard door to pull out a lipstick. She glossed her lips with a deep violet and smacked them together and gave herself half a smile. She draped herself in a soft satin printed kaftan she brought from the streets of Fort Kochi Beach, and sat cross legged on her bed. A cup of green tea in one hand, and a cube of dark chocolate in the other. She took a deep breath, as she tried to find her calm and satisfaction amidst the chaos. And began wondering what else there was that needed change.
Take a book, and write down all the blessings you can count, all your affirmations. Give the universe your positive outlook on your life and the universe will give back to you.’
My mum told me our societies are so consumed by their materialistic pleasures and are deluded with greed in their desperation to save money, that we forget the tiniest blessings we’re surrounded with. We radiate the energy we find within ourselves. She told me, not everybody is perfect, so stop complaining to the universe and start finding the beauty in it.
The Almighty has given me time to reflect on my life, and it helps me radiate the positivity that’s embedded in my soul.’
We believe in the Almighty, the power of the positive and negative energy that radiates around the earth. She told me that to be conscious of your thoughts is the hardest skill to achieve. ‘I meditate, even if it’s only for ten minutes, because it soothes my mind and helps me reflect on my life. It builds on to my gratitude and allows me to take control of the situation I am in.’
3. ‘Accept change, and strive to success
If you really want something, if you want to build healthy relationships, then start accepting the change that you see. Start working towards making yourself and your relationships better. Make peace with old and unresolved conflicts. Make peace with those who will fade away. Make peace with your atmosphere and walk towards the energy that will feed your soul.’
Happy Mothers Day.
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