The most soothing thought that gives me comfort and joy, is that one afternoon on a Sunday, my hair crimped with braids that i slept in overnight, my first ever no-curls wavy hair. The apple scented EverYuth facewash that I washed my face with, It was a pleasantly hot summer afternoon, and as every Sunday passes, this Sunday was exactly the same, mumma sitting on the sofa, the warm ochre shades of the curtains as they were drawn to cover the sunlight, the cool breeze in the hallway and the waft of something delicious from our kitchen. My skin glazed in Vaseline, smooth because i waxed the day before, my body only ever so slightly dressed in a floral dress, the kind you would find as a lazy summer dress. With two or three buttons and a waistline that created a grip perhaps. And of course, lunchtime was the best, this chicken caeser salad, with the cool breeze in the house either from the AC or the fan, the delicious food and the company of my mum, everything was perfect, not a moment did I worry or think about my future, while Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara’s ‘Kwhaabon ke Parindey’ played in my head, ah what bliss.
And today, I sit on the corner of my sister’s bed, in London, constantly having the same epiphany, I’m in London, I stare out of her room to give myself a pinch, the beautiful Victorian houses bring me back to the present, the knarly trees that remind me of Harry Potter and the warm orange lights coming out of the windows from a distance. And I tell myself you’re in London. My life is at a pace that I do not seem to understand, yet I do? Emotionally fragile because of my beautiful grandfathers weakening body with a soul ready to depart, and a mental disturbance that has grappled me by the jugular vein, I hear these eerie birds chirping at the 3:22 am of the night, wondering how I will spend my New years Eve this year, and yet I feel weirdly comfortable, knowing that my body and soul are facing the signs of maturity and growth, as I learn to attain emotional strength while my lips read the word of God throughout the day, my body tired yet nourished with self-love, my abdomen soft and calm, just a small contraction and my heart is ready to burst into tears, tears of joy, tears of sorrow, tears of strength and tears of weakness. Not knowing my future yet feeling at ease, knowing that I trust myself because of the direction that God has created for me, my body drained but my heart gleaming with self-esteem, because to endure so much at once as me is not someone I thought I could ever be.