Living in the Present.

The most soothing thought that gives me comfort and joy, is that one afternoon on a Sunday, my hair crimped with braids that i slept in overnight, my first ever no-curls wavy hair. The apple scented EverYuth facewash that I washed my face with, It was a pleasantly hot summer afternoon, and as every Sunday passes, this Sunday was exactly the same, mumma sitting on the sofa, the warm ochre shades of the curtains as they were drawn to cover the sunlight, the cool breeze in the hallway and the waft of something delicious from our kitchen. My skin glazed in Vaseline, smooth because i waxed the day before, my body only ever so slightly dressed in a floral dress, the kind you would find as a lazy summer dress. With two or three buttons and a waistline that created a grip perhaps. And of course, lunchtime was the best, this chicken caeser salad, with the cool breeze in the house either from the AC or the fan, the delicious food and the company of my mum, everything was perfect, not a moment did I worry or think about my future, while Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara’s ‘Kwhaabon ke Parindey’ played in my head, ah what bliss.

 

And today, I sit on the corner of my sister’s bed, in London, constantly having the same epiphany, I’m in London, I stare out of her room to give myself a pinch, the beautiful Victorian houses bring me back to the present, the knarly trees that remind me of Harry Potter and the warm orange lights coming out of the windows from a distance. And I tell myself you’re in London. My life is at a pace that I do not seem to understand, yet I do? Emotionally fragile because of my beautiful grandfathers weakening body with a soul ready to depart, and a mental disturbance that has grappled me by the jugular vein, I hear these eerie birds chirping at the 3:22 am of the night, wondering how I will spend my New years Eve this year, and yet I feel weirdly comfortable, knowing that my body and soul are facing the signs of maturity and growth, as I learn to attain emotional strength while my lips read the word of God throughout the day, my body tired yet nourished with self-love, my abdomen soft and calm, just a small contraction and my heart is ready to burst into tears, tears of joy, tears of sorrow, tears of strength and tears of weakness. Not knowing my future yet feeling at ease, knowing that I trust myself because of the direction that God has created for me, my body drained but my heart gleaming with self-esteem, because to endure so much at once as me is not someone I thought I could ever be.

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So who are you?

 

So who are you?

Hiding under my roof under my protection

Layers on your soul that go beyond your skin

Ripping out each and every emotion from within

Telling me your love for me is genuine?

So who are you?

Someone who’s been traumatized and disrespected

Or so you told me

And i gave you my undying company

And i prayed for you

and I will pray for you

because I don’t know you,

Other than the words from your mouth and your facial expressions

I don’t know anything about you

I thought I did

but now I don’t

What a depressing irony

Because if I counted the hours we spent and what those meant

It felt real.

But I don’t know anymore, do I?

It’s vague and blurred

and we’re confused and hurt

So I pray for you

I will pray for you

But don’t ever meet me again.

-J

 

Breathe

Why is it that every inch of my body twitches to smile at the mirror?

Why does my face frown?

Why do my eyes envision that which the world has ordered me to see?

When I know that this is not my true capability?

Why can’t I believe?

Why do I need someone else to empower me?

Why must I regret what I eat and how less I sleep?

Why can’t I enjoy my life fully?

Breathe.

You become what you believe.

Strong.

Your heart and soul filled with nourishing positivity.

Smile

Because your body radiates everlasting beauty.

 

Breathe

Because you become what you believe.

-J

Drenched.

 

I can’t seem to find a path to you, I run every single step wondering and hoping and breathing with every bit of hope left in the air. I can’t speak, my soul is gated, my heart is painted, and my eyes cannot see. And then my legs shake of exhaustion and worry and grief, my voice quivers ever so faintly, and my heart sinks beneath my feet. And just as my hands were about to dig themselves into the soil, a jolt of lightning strikes at the very center of my soul. You lit my heart with an everlasting burn, and you drenched my soul with your pouring rain.

I found you.

-J

Butterfly wing potion.

So you see at times, there’s a huge row of butterflies swarming around you, infiltrating your vision with bright hues of vivid splashes of colours that contrast your shade of daily monotone.

And I wish I could drown in the wings of those butterflies

So bright so full of life, soaring to the skies

Okay Im out.

-J

Edge of the Boulder.

I walked further and further away from my reality, searching for escape amidst my lost location. Mentally frantic and anxious, physically resisting the urge to run and shout, simply unable to find the missing puzzles of my soul. And I found the edge, the edge of infinite wonder. I stood at that edge and all I could see beyond me was a million shades of blue. A blend of the salty Kochi sea into the evening Indian sky. Unable to be more conscious of my surroundings, I slumped onto the ground and let my feet dangle at the edge of the boulder. My kimono drenched in saltwater and my jeans stuffed with sand while I could feel parts of my face and body being stung by the drying saltwater that I had jumped into. I tried to look beyond the sea and beyond every edge of the sea that waved in front of me. I could find nothing. I became restless and I kept looking but there was no edge. There was only the edge of the boulder, into an infinite pool of depth and danger. And I released my breath, my heart throbbing slowly as if I reached a climax and as if I fell on the ground I was pushed towards. I found a few curious faces appearing by my side to figure out why I was so overcome with emotions that my face was drenched with tears. It wasn’t the tears that would make the back of your head throb with pain and your nose clog with red veins clawing towards your pupil. It was tears of exhaustion after discovery. Tears of an end I long waited to discover. An end that explained the chaos of my mind, the restlessness of my brain and the dissatisfaction of my soul. An end quite contradictory to its purpose. An end only to lead me to a million new pathways. My hands pushed themselves on the rock and I got up, my feet leading me back towards where I ran away from. Striding to my reality with a light heart and a replenished soul.