I walked further and further away from my reality, searching for escape amidst my lost location. Mentally frantic and anxious, physically resisting the urge to run and shout, simply unable to find the missing puzzles of my soul. And I found the edge, the edge of infinite wonder. I stood at that edge and all I could see beyond me was a million shades of blue. A blend of the salty Kochi sea into the evening Indian sky. Unable to be more conscious of my surroundings, I slumped onto the ground and let my feet dangle at the edge of the boulder. My kimono drenched in saltwater and my jeans stuffed with sand while I could feel parts of my face and body being stung by the drying saltwater that I had jumped into. I tried to look beyond the sea and beyond every edge of the sea that waved in front of me. I could find nothing. I became restless and I kept looking but there was no edge. There was only the edge of the boulder, into an infinite pool of depth and danger. And I released my breath, my heart throbbing slowly as if I reached a climax and as if I fell on the ground I was pushed towards. I found a few curious faces appearing by my side to figure out why I was so overcome with emotions that my face was drenched with tears. It wasn’t the tears that would make the back of your head throb with pain and your nose clog with red veins clawing towards your pupil. It was tears of exhaustion after discovery. Tears of an end I long waited to discover. An end that explained the chaos of my mind, the restlessness of my brain and the dissatisfaction of my soul. An end quite contradictory to its purpose. An end only to lead me to a million new pathways. My hands pushed themselves on the rock and I got up, my feet leading me back towards where I ran away from. Striding to my reality with a light heart and a replenished soul.
With her forearm she gently pushed away the pile of clutter on her desk and placed another intricately carved pencil case. Plucking a tissue from the box of her Premier special face tissues she rubbed her case and blew through the carvings, ensuring that each nook and cranny was rubbed to perfection. She then pulled out a random selection of pencils from her glittery pencil stand and released them in the circular carved wooden platform. It was midnight, she ran her fingers through her long deep brown hair, gathering the strands towards the back of her head and tightened it together with a black band. She then walked towards her long mirrored cupboard, and found her hands fumbling through the cupboard door to pull out a lipstick. She glossed her lips with a deep violet and smacked them together and gave herself half a smile. She draped herself in a soft satin printed kaftan she brought from the streets of Fort Kochi Beach, and sat cross legged on her bed. A cup of green tea in one hand, and a cube of dark chocolate in the other. She took a deep breath, as she tried to find her calm and satisfaction amidst the chaos. And began wondering what else there was that needed change.
Take a book, and write down all the blessings you can count, all your affirmations. Give the universe your positive outlook on your life and the universe will give back to you.’
My mum told me our societies are so consumed by their materialistic pleasures and are deluded with greed in their desperation to save money, that we forget the tiniest blessings we’re surrounded with. We radiate the energy we find within ourselves. She told me, not everybody is perfect, so stop complaining to the universe and start finding the beauty in it.
The Almighty has given me time to reflect on my life, and it helps me radiate the positivity that’s embedded in my soul.’
We believe in the Almighty, the power of the positive and negative energy that radiates around the earth. She told me that to be conscious of your thoughts is the hardest skill to achieve. ‘I meditate, even if it’s only for ten minutes, because it soothes my mind and helps me reflect on my life. It builds on to my gratitude and allows me to take control of the situation I am in.’
3. ‘Accept change, and strive to success
If you really want something, if you want to build healthy relationships, then start accepting the change that you see. Start working towards making yourself and your relationships better. Make peace with old and unresolved conflicts. Make peace with those who will fade away. Make peace with your atmosphere and walk towards the energy that will feed your soul.’
Happy Mothers Day.
This is a rant. A huge rant. It’s ridiculous and loud. Of the million things on my mind, firstly, I haven’t blogged since three months and we’ve already entered 2017 even though I’m not really affected by the beginning of a New Year. Secondly, school.
I love school, but there’s something so annoying about having to study.
Have I become a typical teenager who’s idea of life is sticking my face to social media screens and saying phrases like ‘You only live once’
It’s almost 3 A.M. I’ve got to sit and analyse to poems and a write the impact of a man on a historical event. I don’t mind.
But what I’ve noticed is my growing annoyance towards sitting and studying, why has studying become such a struggle. Of course, I’m a queen when it comes to procrastinating, why on earth is it so much fun.
But get this,
I go to school, every day, an hour to travel, an hour wasted or an hour gained for my daydreaming and socializing.
Alright, that’s there.
Then there’s hours of non stop classes. I love some of them, and in some of my classes you find me sitting in the front row to make sure the teacher thinks I’m interested, while I get carried away in my fantasies and daydreams. It’s fun, I’d rather think about my adventures during camping with my classmates rather than figuring out the weird worm shaped things in a cell.
WHY ON EARTH DO I HAVE TO DRILL THINGS INTO MY MIND. I AM NOT INTERESTED ABOUT THE NAMES OF WORM SHAPED SQUIGGLY THINGS IN THE CELL IN THE PLANT. I’D RATHER READ POETRY AND STUDY THE HISTORY OF CHOCOLATE.
I prefer Math, math is better.
But then there’s eight hours. and of those I guarantee you two hours are completely a waste of time. I COULD USE THOSE TWO HOURS DOING SOMETHING ELSE.
I mean, the cultural norm of sitting in a classroom and studying is something I’m still just not used to. I love art class. We get to sit under the trees or in the balcony and paint and sing and scream. I love history, we have heated debates and discussions and questions. Then there’s biology, where my teacher is constantly reading out points as we jot them down, waiting for the bell to ring. Then there’s the extremely boring classes where everybody sits on facebook and I’m dying to socialize and do something fun.
WE NEED TO CHANGE THIS WHOLE IDEA OF STUDYING.
WE NEED TO CHANGE THE IDEA OF FUN.
And maybe Uni isn’t the only place I’ll discover and learn. Sometimes these cultural norms of studying are so not helpful, I’d rather learn through travelling and exploring.
Oh crap. I need to finish my analysis.
It’s 4 A.M
The constellations are screaming
Children are dreaming
The Almighty is listening.
It was only before time,
That the scattered brain of mine
Joined its clumps in confusion
And came to a horrible conclusion
That nothing seemed to rhyme
That my deadlines had passed my time
That my soul had leaked away
And left my body to decay.
So the thread pulled itself away from the stitches,
and the resistance grew stronger.
I won’t be posting anything for a month, since I have to catch up with my projects before my deadline, some that have already passed.
So you sit here,
Until you realize you’ve done enough to question yourself.
And gulp your guilt away.