Living in the Present.

The most soothing thought that gives me comfort and joy, is that one afternoon on a Sunday, my hair crimped with braids that i slept in overnight, my first ever no-curls wavy hair. The apple scented EverYuth facewash that I washed my face with, It was a pleasantly hot summer afternoon, and as every Sunday passes, this Sunday was exactly the same, mumma sitting on the sofa, the warm ochre shades of the curtains as they were drawn to cover the sunlight, the cool breeze in the hallway and the waft of something delicious from our kitchen. My skin glazed in Vaseline, smooth because i waxed the day before, my body only ever so slightly dressed in a floral dress, the kind you would find as a lazy summer dress. With two or three buttons and a waistline that created a grip perhaps. And of course, lunchtime was the best, this chicken caeser salad, with the cool breeze in the house either from the AC or the fan, the delicious food and the company of my mum, everything was perfect, not a moment did I worry or think about my future, while Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara’s ‘Kwhaabon ke Parindey’ played in my head, ah what bliss.

 

And today, I sit on the corner of my sister’s bed, in London, constantly having the same epiphany, I’m in London, I stare out of her room to give myself a pinch, the beautiful Victorian houses bring me back to the present, the knarly trees that remind me of Harry Potter and the warm orange lights coming out of the windows from a distance. And I tell myself you’re in London. My life is at a pace that I do not seem to understand, yet I do? Emotionally fragile because of my beautiful grandfathers weakening body with a soul ready to depart, and a mental disturbance that has grappled me by the jugular vein, I hear these eerie birds chirping at the 3:22 am of the night, wondering how I will spend my New years Eve this year, and yet I feel weirdly comfortable, knowing that my body and soul are facing the signs of maturity and growth, as I learn to attain emotional strength while my lips read the word of God throughout the day, my body tired yet nourished with self-love, my abdomen soft and calm, just a small contraction and my heart is ready to burst into tears, tears of joy, tears of sorrow, tears of strength and tears of weakness. Not knowing my future yet feeling at ease, knowing that I trust myself because of the direction that God has created for me, my body drained but my heart gleaming with self-esteem, because to endure so much at once as me is not someone I thought I could ever be.

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Midnight Moonshine

I looked at the moon, my teardrops glistening in its light,

The sky stained with a dark purple ink

No star tonight.

Its me and my moon.

We look at each other, I absorb its wisdom into my face

My eyes become those of a black cat, two silver streaks across my pupils

Its the crescent

My body, naked, wrapped in a sheet of cold, cool wind

My hair, twisting and turning ever so softly on my back

The air, seeping through my nostrils to the pit of my lungs, taking a somersault and returning back to the sky

The midnight sky

The dark purple, starless, midnight sky.

While he looks at me, and smiles

Its a child, enjoying her enlightening night.

The more the better my love.

With her forearm she gently pushed away the pile of clutter on her desk and placed another intricately carved pencil case. Plucking a tissue from the box of her Premier special face tissues she rubbed her case and blew through the carvings, ensuring that each nook and cranny was rubbed to perfection. She then pulled out a random selection of pencils from her glittery pencil stand and released them in the circular carved wooden platform. It was midnight, she ran her fingers through her long deep brown hair, gathering the strands towards the back of her head and tightened it together with a black band. She then walked towards her long mirrored cupboard, and found her hands fumbling through the cupboard door to pull out a lipstick. She glossed her lips with a deep violet and smacked them together and gave herself half a smile. She draped herself in a soft satin printed kaftan she brought from the streets of Fort Kochi Beach, and sat cross legged on her bed. A cup of green tea in one hand, and a cube of dark chocolate in the other. She took a deep breath, as she tried to find her calm and satisfaction amidst the chaos. And began wondering what else there was that needed change.